Somewhat Damaged
by Jessica12
Summary: Your world remained unaffected by her leaving.  At least that was what you told yourself.  HouseCameron. Part one
1. Chapter 1

Title: Somewhat Damaged ( 1/2)  
Author: Jessica  
Email: jrothenyahoo.se  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where  
Spoilers: Role Model  
Rating: PG  
Genre: Angst, POV  
Feedback: YES please...jrothenyahoo.se  
Pairing: House/Cameron  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
Summary: "Your world remained unaffected by her leaving. At least that was what you told yourself."  
AUTHORS NOTE: Title comes from a song by Nine Inch Nails.This is my first ever House M.D fic so please be gentle.  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar mistakes may occur.

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House POV

* * *

The silence was deafening afterwards.  
You stood where she had left you until your leg hurt so much that you had to sit down to keep from passing out.  
She had come to say goodbye and you had just stood there and let it happen.  
You were grateful in a way: she freed you from making the decision about who to fire.  
So you should be happy.  
But then again you were never happy.  
It was not in you.  
You were the kind of person that got their kicks from picking things apart and exposing old, not yet healed wounds.  
All in the name of science.  
All in the name of proving how really good you felt about yourself.  
They were wrong and you were right.  
Things were as simple as that.  
So you should feel okay now.  
It wasn't like you would miss her.  
There were hundreds, maybe thousands smart, pretty doctors out there.  
All of them ready to take her place.  
Well, maybe not thousands.  
That would be stretching it.  
Maybe a few.  
And you had Chase and Foreman.  
So she would eventually become just another name of the people that trickled through your life.  
Your hand trembled a little as you reached for those white, small, pills that kept you sane.  
You chalked it up to just a muscle spasm in your hand, nothing else.

She had told you that she liked you.  
Like you were a boy and a girl on the playground.  
It should make you warm and fuzzy inside.  
But you were a realist.  
Or that was what you called yourself.  
It wasn't love.  
It was pity.  
So it was easy to sweep it under the rug.  
You were not a nice person.  
People couldn't stand you.  
You were rude and you said things that shouldn't be said out load.  
You didn't just hurt people.  
You crushed them.  
It was in your nature.  
And one thing you had learned was that you could never fight nature.  
She would be just another of those that you had broken down and picked apart until it was nothing left.  
So it was better to walk away now before it was too late.  
She didn't belong to you anyway.  
She was nobody to you.  
So maybe this was the best thing.  
You didn't need her.

She had been just another face in the crowd at first.  
She was beautiful and young.  
You hired her because of that.  
She wasn't the brightest of them all but she had a beauty that fascinated you.  
As the years passed you managed to scratch the surface and you saw a sadness in her that mirrored your own.  
A part of you wanted to pick her apart and explore every cut, every unhealed wound.  
The other part of you understood and wanted to protect her.  
You called your need to protect her a weakness and buried it so deep inside of yourself that no one could find it.  
But it showed its ugly face sometimes.  
You called it a temporary lack of judgment and refused acknowledge that it was something else.  
She tried to prove herself to you.  
You watched as she struggled to find her footing in a world that did its best to break her.  
She faltered sometimes but she always managed to find her way again.  
Her battle fascinated you.  
She grew a little each day in your eyes until the day she told you that she liked you.  
You called it a flaw in her character, an error in the programme.  
You were not a nice person.  
You were not liked by anyone.  
You were not someone to fall in love with.  
So there had to be something wrong with her.  
You confronted her with your problem and you wanted a reason, some kind of proof that it was a lie.  
But she didn't back away.  
You had no idea where to go from there.  
So you did what you always had done.  
You ignored the problem, denied it ever existed.  
But it kept nagging at you, biting you, blindsiding you.  
Anger fueled the fire inside of you then.  
She was weakening you and you hated that.  
So you went out of your way to try to remove every trace of her from your heart.  
She didn't belong there.  
She belonged in the periphery of your life, easily replaced by another one.  
You had always been alone.  
You liked it that way.  
There were some people you let in but only in select parts of your life.  
Wilson was one of them.  
Well, he was the only one.  
Now she demanded entrance just by her sheer presence.  
She had made your defenses weak and almost non existing.  
So you did what you had to do to survive.  
You pushed and pushed until someone would be the first to back down.  
But she proved to be a worthy opponent.  
Some might say that you won the battle.  
She left after all.  
You could pat yourself on the back and say that you did your best.  
It wasn't like you missed her.  
You liked being alone.  
It kept you sane.  
You could think then.  
So in a way this battle was yours.  
You kept your status quo.  
Your life remained the same.

The office seemed a little bit bigger when she wasn't there.  
But you wouldn't admit that to one living soul.  
You went on with the business of saving lives.  
It was your purpose after all.  
Nothing else matters than the case.  
Your kingdom was the hospital.  
It was there you shined.  
Your world remained unaffected by her leaving.  
At least that was what you told yourself.

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Cameron's POV  
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You went there knowing that he wouldn't stop you from leaving.  
But still a part of you wanted him to at least try.  
It was foolish to think you leaving would evoke the slightest tremble in his world.  
You could be so easy replaced by someone brighter and better looking and he wouldn't regret doing it.  
You didn't matter in a his world.  
He would be just fine without you.  
But still you had thought that maybe he would find a place for you somewhere.  
He didn't want you.  
He hadn't even taken your hand when you offered it to him.  
You had always been foolish with your heart.  
The years should have taught you to be careful and you had been.  
You had protected the remaining pieces of your heart and fought everything that threatened it.  
But you were weak.  
You knew that.  
He found his way into your heart, slowly.  
It scared you at first.  
He had the power to crush you.  
He could rip you apart.  
You should have walked away.  
A little voice inside of your head whispered that he would be the death of you.  
He became a drug to you.  
You saw a pain and sorrow in him that mirrored your own.  
He hid it so well.  
He hid behind a huge wall and he had placed archers on the wall to keep anyone away.  
So people did.  
Maybe it would have been better if you had been one of them.  
But something made you stay there beside him.  
It was over now anyway.  
All you had to do now was let him go.  
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End part one.


	2. If you can't leave it be

"If you can't leave it be, might as well make it bleed"

by: Jessica

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Note: Title is a song by Dashboard Confessional

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Cameron's POV

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The darkness had chased away the light outside the windows as you walked the halls of the hospital

heading for his office.

You had chosen this time to leave your resignation letter on his desk.

The truth was that you couldn't face him.

You didn't trust yourself.

You needed time and distance.

The hospital had settled in for the night and only the night staff roamed its halls.

Your hands trembled as you opened the door to his office and entered.

Everything remained the same and it was foolish to think that the two days you had been gone would change anything.

His desk was still cluttered by random things that seemed to fascinate and amuse him.

You stood there by his desk as memories flooded your mind.

"Well, are you going to drop that off or not?"

His voice echoed in the office.

Your heart was beating angrily in your chest as you turned around to face him.

He stood in the doorway to his office.

He looked tired.

"I was just going to.."

Your words faded to black.

"Well, do it then."

His words were harsh.

But you didn't expect nothing else.

He closed the door behind him and came towards you.

"I meant to leave it to you before."

"You thought it be better to break into my office and leave it."

Your eyes met and you found yourself taking a step back.

Your cheeks flushed as you answered:

"I didn't break in. The door was open."

"I'll bet every burglar says the same."

"House.."

He moved past you and positioned himself behind his desk.

You could almost hear him raising his wall and positioning archers on it.

"Haven't Forman taught you anything about breaking and entering? I'm very disappointed."

"I just wanted to drop it off so you have it. To make it official."

Your hands were trembling so you hid them behind your back.

His blue eyes pierced into you and it felt like he could see right through you.

He sat down without taking his eyes off you.

"Make what official?"

"Me leaving."

"Oh, didn't we do that before?"

"Well, yes. But I thought.."

"You thought what?"

"That you had to have it on paper."

"And that's the only reason why you're here?"

"Yes, of course.

You were such a liar.

"You could have mailed it in, you know."

"I know. I just wanted to leave it here instead."

"So you come in the middle of the night."

"It's not the middle of the night."

"Well, what do you call it then?"

You avoided his eyes as you answered:

"I just wanted to.."

"Sneak in so no one would see you?"

"No, it's not that."

His eyes pierced into you, nailing you into place.

He had always had the power to pick you apart just by looking at you, leaving you feeling exposed.

"Well, could have fooled me."

He shrugged like it didn't matter to him.

"I just thought it was better this way."

Your voice trembled as you spoke and you hated yourself for being so weak.

"To turn your back and run away you mean?"

His words hit you and hit hard.

"I'm not running."

Your eyes met and you tried to read what he was thinking but you had never had that luxury to be able

to understand what was going on inside him.

"Then why are you not staying?"

"I told you."

He came towards you and you found yourself backing away, wanting to distance yourself from him.

"You told me nothing."

"No, I'm choosing to leave. You don't have to fire anyone. I quite."

"Just like that. "

"Don't. I told you last night why. Why do you want to hear it again?"

"Because it doesn't make sense."

His words hurt and you stumbled backwards as the blow hit.

You had opened your heart to him and given the last remaining pieces to a man that clearly didn't want it.

"It doesn't make sense? I told you the truth and you say that it doesn't make sense."

"You doing that noble thing again."

"This has nothing to do with that."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"So, you're just giving everything up"

"I told you this already."

"No you didn't."

"You told you me some nonsense."

"Nonsense? I told you that I like you."

"So?"

"I took this job knowing that it would be hard. I had heard lots of thing about you. Mainly that you were a

bastard. But I never thought you would be cruel."

"Explain it to me then?"

"Explain what? What is there to explain? I told you everything."

"No, you didn't."

"I told you that I like you. I gave you.."

Your words faded away as your eyes met his.

You couldn't bring yourself to say it but you could see it his eyes that he understood.

It felt like you were coming apart slowly but surely.

He rose and came towards you and you backed away.

You were so sure that if he touched you now you would shatter into millions of tiny pieces.

"Cameron."

His voice was gentle.

And it hurt more than anything.

"What do you want from me?"

You were begging him now to put you out of your misery.

"I just want an explanation."

"For what?"

"Why do you like me?"

"I told you."

"Yes, you told me. But.."

"But what?"

"What do want me to do?"

He was close now.

You were so tired of running.

So tired of giving your heart to people that never gave theirs in return.

Your voice was barely a whisper as you spoke:

"Just tell me that you like me.."

This was what he had reduced you to.

You wanted to hate him.

You needed so badly to hate him.

But you couldn't.

His eyes were dark as they pierced into you.

Every fiber of your being was screaming out to him to touch you, to steady your beating heart.

But he remained there with one hand on his cane and the other one at his side.

"I can't do that."

You came apart in that moment.

The last remaining pieces of your heart shattered and flew across the carpet like broken glass.

"Oh."

That was the only word you could bring yourself to say.

You had been lying to yourself.

You knew that he wouldn't say anything else.

But a piece of you clung to the belief that maybe you leaving would evoke something inside of him.

You turned away from him, to ashamed to show the tears that blurred your vision.

"Cameron."

He took your arm.

His touch felt like fire against your skin.

You wanted to run.

You wanted to put so much distance between him and you that you could remove every trace of him from your heart.

"Let me go."

"Look at me."

You felt yourself buckle under the power of his touch.

You turned to look at him.

You didn't care that he would see you crying.

It didn't matter anymore.

His hand was warm against your chin as he forced you to look at him.

Your voice was a whisper as you spoke:

"Just let me walk out of here."

"I never set out to hurt you."

His words ripped through you like a knife.

You wanted to hit him then.

The need to cause him psychical harm was strong in you in that moment.

"You already did."

"Cameron.."

"What?"

"I just.."

"Just let me go, House."

His eyes were two dark pools and his voice trembled as he spoke:

"I don't know how to."

Anger burned hot in your veins in that moment.

You broke free from him and moved away.

"How can you say that?"

"Cameron."

"What? Is this kind of game for you to see how far you can go before you break me?"

"No, of course not."

"Then, why are you doing this?"

Your face twisted and turned in pain as you looked at him.

"I want you to stay."

"Why?"

"Because you're a good doctor. The hospital need you."

"The hospital needs me."

"Yes. The team needs you."

"The team needs me."

"Yes."

"And you?"

It was a silly question, you knew that.

You already knew his answer.

You could see it in his eyes.

"You're a valuable part of the team."

And there it was.

It was the only thing he would give you.

Nothing else.

"Is that the only thing I am to you?"

You were so weak.

You stood there, with your heart exposed to the world to see, and you were begging him

for some small glimpse of light that could be a beacon in your darkness.

But he gave you nothing.

And it was foolish to think that he ever would.

It was cruel even.

His silence was his answer.

You closed your eyes to try to steady yourself.

Your hand trembled as you brushed away the tears from your eyes and looked at him.

"Goodbye, House."

You moved towards the door.

"Cameron."

He reached for you but you moved away.

Your voice was calm as you spoke:

"I think I might have loved you."

Your words seemed to hover and soar around you.

You moved towards him, with the last remaining pieces of your heart beating angrily in your chest.

He didn't take his eyes off you.

You leaned close to him, brushing your lips against his cheek, inhaling his scent for the last time and whispered:

"Goodbye."

Then you turned around and walked out of the door.

You walked all the way to the parking lot until your feelings took the better off you.

You stood there in the middle of an empty parking lot, crying, as dark clouds moved in from the west to darken

the sky above you.

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